Free Write, Train of Thought

As a way of expanding my blog I am always up for new things. And though I may stay within my comforts a little, I do stray a little and get out side my box. Which is why I am taking the Writing 101 course. But as I think about it I think about all the other things going on in my life. Thus far in my journey I have found out that I LOVE to work out, and though I don’t get to do it as much as I would like, at least I try. Also I have found that my son is everything I ever wanted.

I tried for years to have children. Sorry to say but at some points it didn’t matter who it was. I wanted a child. I could be the Gilmore mom. I was so sure of it. But now looking back I know that I could not do this on my own. No wait that is wrong. I could do it on my own but I am grateful I don’t have to. The part that is mistaken is the whom part of it. In foresight I should have been more careful. Thankfully I was blessed and I ended up having the child of my dreams with a man I could only dream of. When in fact he is my dream and I LOVE it.

And if I am being totally honest with myself, like totally honest. I would like to have another child. As long as I could guarantee that it is a boy. Some may say that I really don’t and I shouldn’t say that. But it is true. As  girl growing into the woman I am today it was hard. I got a lot of strife and half of it I did not deserve. And in today society it is even harder being a girl. I have two step daughters and as they get older I find it harder to keep them safe. At that point I have to trust that I have taught them all I can and that they have to remember it. Still scary though.

But when the subject of children come up (most of the time not by me) I am told I don’t need more children. That if I had more children I would be in big trouble, blah blah blah. At first I dealt with it. Laughed it off cause on the surface everyone knows I don’t really want children, when below the surface I actually thought about it but for sometime down the road. Now it is getting annoying.

Frankly it is not anyone’s choice but duh hubby and I’s. If I am going to have more kids then so be it. It is not going to affect you. You can choose to be in our lives, just as I can choose whether you are in our lives. Sure we may not be able to afford another child right now, and sure we are not in the living arrangements for another little one. But still, if we choose to be “stupid” then so what. Deal with it, and if you don’t want to then beat cement.  Sure it may be sad at first but soon enough I would be occupied with kids.

Do I ever say anything? No? Not until now because I like to keep the peace. There is so much crap going on right now that I don’t want to add more. And yes that drives Duh Hubby nuts because everyone is virtually walking all over me because they are telling me what I can and can’t do.

Eventually my top will blow. In the past that would not have been a big deal because I was known as a “drama queen”, but now it would be scary. I want a happy family for my kids, even if behind the scenes things aren’t good. But I try, I really try. I am focused on my children and Duh Hubby. I don’t have time to follow bull shit, I got enough shit of my own. SO yes eventually I will let people know that my choice of children and whether to have more is not their choice. And even though their opinion is noted, it doesn’t really matter unless they pay my bills.


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