A Racing Mind

Here I am… 1:11 am and I can’t sleep. My husband and I went to bed about two hours go. I tossed and turned for over an hour trying to fall asleep. But it didn’t work. I kept having things go through my brain. All sorts to. Like what kind of place would suit our family best, childcare, school, my oldest having a boyfriend, how irritating it is that my husband spent three times the limit I gave him today (more on that later). A ton of things running through my mind. I tried everything I could think of to ease my mind into sleep, but right as I am on the brink BAM another thought pops into my head. It is driving me nuts. So here I am, trying another tactic. I also think that part of my problem is that I am hungry, so I am having a light snack.

My thought is that if I write/type everything that I have on my mind right now then maybe I will be able to ease it a little so I can sleep. Because believe it or not, I have a busy day tomorrow. My husband is going to teach me how to change the oil in my car (in preparation for my trip next weekend), and my older brother is coming over to help me move my stuff out of said husbands car part shed. All the while it rains and I have a two year old on my heels. Okay, so not only is it busy but kind of stressful. I am hoping this works, otherwise I am doomed for tomorrow. Alright so lets get started shall we? Where to start.

Guess I should start with the top pressing thing right now, my husband. I adore him, I do, so try not to get things twisted. But sometimes I want to twist his neck till his head pops off. I know I shouldn’t say that but it is true. Of course I would never do it cause I don’t have the strength and I would be sad when he was gone. Anyway, I could twist it and leave a mark at least. He thinks he never gets what he really wants. But he does, in fact he gets things he wants before I get the things I want, all the time! So today I figured I would please him and give him an allowance of 100 dollars. That way he could get some stuff for the RC cars he bought at the swap meet. Well, he went over his allowance… A LOT. And I mean A LOT! It irritates me so much that he lectures me about spending money on “stupid” stuff when he goes and blows our whole budget. Thank goodness I had already transferred over money this morning. But as a result I can’t get things I have been wanting, and looking forward to getting. He says to go ahead and do it, but I need to be the responsible one and stick to our budget. So once again, I get to wait. I am just super irritated that he did that. Like how can he be SO selfish and do that? I  told him that once I paid bills and did the shopping that he would more then likely have more money to spend. He spent so much that I had to rearrange bills just so I can get my books for school (oh yeah, I am going back to school but I am going to save that for another time). He better use all the crap he bought today, otherwise I am going to go from irritated to pissed cause he wasted money. Because at least with the things I wanted I would be using them daily.

Another item on my mind is childcare. I am going back to school. I am already registered for this quarter. Got my classes and just ordered my books. I am waiting to hear back from a program to see if they can help me with childcare. That is the only thing on my “back to school list” that is not taken care of. One of my resolutions for this year is to get Monster more interaction with other kids. That means that I can’t have his normal sitter watch him full time cause it is just the two of them. But we can’t afford full time daycare. I also don’t want to put him in a big daycare cause he could be forgotten if he is not a “favorite” So Kindercare is out of the picture. My school has an on-campus daycare but it has a big wait list. School starts in two weeks, so I am down to crunch time, and I don’t even have one daycare in mind. It is frustrating cause my husband isn’t even trying to help me research (I am starting to see that he isn’t being any help lately, looks like I need to have a talk with him). My mom has been a huge help though, giving me ideas. Reminding me of location, and things to look out for when looking at a childcare facility. But still, all in all the entire task is daunting. So I am hoping this program I applied to will help pay for it, cause that would be a HUGE help.

Next on the list is where and when we need to move. We got our taxes back, which means that I put aside a good amount of money to start us on the financial side of moving out. Now I just need to figure out when we need to move and add more money to the fund so we can do it. I want to move out when school is over so our oldest doesn’t have to transfer at the end of school and can instead start fresh the next year, but my goal is to try and keep her in the same school. I also want to be in our new place by July so we can have Monsters 2nd birthday in our home instead of at a park. But this task is also proving to be difficult. I have no idea what to look for in the way of rent. I do know that we need a three bedroom home with a garage and fenced in yard. Who also accept animals cause we have a dog and a cat. My husband wants to look at duplexes, which is fine, but I have no idea how to even begin  looking for ones that are up for rent. So I guess my next step should be to calculate how much we can afford. Then I need to get a timeline down, and lastly find a management place that can help me look for places. The timeline is going to be the toughest part cause I know when I want to move, it is just getting there with my husband lack of budget awareness.

Well I believe that the last pressing matter on my mind is easing down my excitement long enough to be able to sleep. What am I excited about? Two things mainly. One is that I am headed to school, the other is that we are so close to moving that I can taste it I can not convey to my husband how important it is to move. Our son needs his own room now, our oldest wants to be able to bring home friends and our middle daughter needs a bigger space to call her own when she comes over. Also for my sanity I need my own kitchen, laundry room and bathroom. On top of that my husband needs a place to store all his tools so he can actually find them when he needs them. There are SO many reasons why we should move, all of them are great reasons too. But I can feel my husband dragging his feet. I understand why though, he has never moved out of his parents house and he feels a sense of obligation to them to help them out. But it is high time for us to get out on our own. And if his parents care about him and the kids at all then they need to start helping us. Because I am moving out of this house whether my husband comes or not. I need my own space just as much as I need to eat everyday. Sure it is going to be scary but at least it will be an adventure.

Now that I have written it all down I do feel a little more at ease. Still anxious, but I think with a relaxation technique, I can fall asleep. Even if it will only be for a couple hours. Until next time… ME!

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