A Dream to Wake you up…

My whole entire body is shaky. But I need to write about this before it drives me nuts or I get a panic attack. Because it feels like I really did do it, and that scares the shit out of me.

I just woke with a jolt about 10 minutes ago. Right before then I was nice and asleep. Monster had been up late with a nasty cough and a bout of vomiting. Which thankfully was just a one time thing on my grandparents kitchen counter. After that he went to sleep and I got to sleep as well. So then I am in dream land. Somewhere where you are suppose to escape to an island, a castle, or anywhere that makes you happy right? Usually.

It was so vivid to, which scares me cause it could happen.  Here is my dream.

I had just gotten home with my oldest and Monster. It was a nice day so we took our ice cream treats and went outside. For some reason we decided to go outside the gate and eat them on the wall next to where we park our vehicles. There we were, enjoying our ice cream. All of a sudden a beige Subaru Outback of sorts pulls into our driveway. Nobody but me and the kids are home. I leave the kids on the wall to go investigate. I come around the guys door but he is already headed toward the first gate. I swing behind him and ask what he is doing. Then he pulls out a gun and points it at me.

Before he can do anything I have a hold of the gun and I am trying to point it away from me and NOT in the direction of the kids. Some how I punch him in the face with the gun and he collapsed to the ground. Then it is sort of a blur. I kind of feel like I screamed at my oldest to get Monster in the house and hide, but I also feel like they were in the house during the struggle. Either way they were in my bedroom, crouched between my bed and a dresser. So when I went upstairs I told them not to move, that mommy was going to protect the house. I grabbed my husbands pistol, calked it to make sure a bullet was in the chamber.

Then I made my way downstairs. I was not sure if the guy was still down or if he had made it in the house. But I remember being able to come down the stairs silently. I was on the third stair up when a bullet came flying at my head. Thank GOD it missed. So I shot through both our doors and miraculously hit the guy square in the head. When he fell I noticed that there were two guys dressed in black suits that had been holding a gun to his head. So I shot one guy in the face and he fell to the ground. The other guy I shot in the stomach. I proceeded down the hallway and into the kitchen. That is when I woke up.

The dream was so scary cause it felt so real. It was like it was a normal day at home. And when I woke up I felt like I had actually shot someone. I feel myself wanting to look behind me every second. Thankfully my hands have stopped shaking. But I am diffidently going to be getting my permit so if anything like that does happen then I can legally use my pistol to defend my home.

I know that some dreams are a result of something you watched right before bed. The only thing I saw before bed was a scene from the show Castle. And all that included was the three main guys huddled around a computer. So maybe my dream was brought on by an episode I once watched of the show. I didn’t stick around long enough, in my dream, to find out.

How do I process this? What if it is the universal telling me something? Why weren’t any of the Greyhounds at the house anyway? All of this is scary, and I would much rather forget it. But at least it is written down and I don’t feel so scared. I won’t be going back to sleep, partly cause I need to start my day but mostly cause I don’t want to chance having that dream again. So I am going to pour myself a cup of coffee and calm down some more. Until then… ME!

A Depressing Realization

Lately I have not been feeling 100%, or even like myself. And to add to the punches I weighed myself this morning and rang in at 201 pounds. I have not been that heavy since I was 7 months pregnant. So I was doing a mental look back and realized that I have let my eating habits go. Sure I have been working out at least twice a week. But that isn’t enough. Monday I ate almost an entire bag of chips to myself.  Last night I ate a HUGE plate of nachos for dinner. Then had a hand full of candy before bed.

So I did a little inner looking and might have found my problem. I am going through a little personal funk in my marriage. For like the last week I have felt like things have been off between my husband and I.  I don’t remember kisses in the morning. He seems to get irritated at me a lot more quickly then usual. And he doesn’t call during the day as much as I feel he used to. Add all this to the struggle and stress of getting back in school and I have a recipe for disaster.  Not sure if the marriage stuff is because he is going through something and won’t talk or if it the stress of his job that is finally reaching home. But all of this is having an effect on my personal well being.

I don’t like being this heavy. I don’t feel good, and I don’t see myself as pretty.  I wish there was a way to work through all of this. I just need the stress to lessen a little bit so I can get back on track. Feel like I have control over my eating habits instead of my emotions having control over them.  Also I think I am going to suggest date night to my husband. See if maybe we get out of this environment and away from the kids for awhile we can reconnect. I love him so much and I don’t like this feeling. I just wish he would talk to me. I know he is not being unfaithful cause the man has no game, and he has stated that it would take to much effort to hide everything and what not. I am just afraid he is bottling everything up like I am.  Due to our living arrangements it feels like we can’t be ourselves, and that can have an affect on people.

My plan of action is as follows:

  • I am going to continue to pray, that has worked in the past
  • I am going to write down everything I am worried about with school and try to solve them, some might just be nerves cause I don’t know what is to come.
  • I am going to suggest and kind of insist on a date night, where we can just be the two of us. Maybe dinner and a movie with a small walk afterward.
  • I am going to work out more. Even if I need to just go and walk on the treadmill while the Monster is in the nursery.
  • I am going to stop buying junk food and being more conscious on what I am eating between meals. Even if I need to set an alarm to tell me when to eat a snack.

Hopefully this is the lowest I will feel about my weight this year. Hopefully with time and a little prayer things will get better and we will get out of this funk. I sure hope so. Everyone goes through a funk right? It just all depends on how we decide to deal with it in the meanwhile, that determines how we are when we finally get rid of the stench.

A Sunny Memory

I was sitting in the Airport Cell Phone lot waiting for a friend and her son to land. As I took a break from my task I couldn’t help but take in my surroundings. The oldest was reading a book she loved, in the front seat while idly munching on some fries.  Monster was in his seat quietly entertaining himself, kind of fighting off a nap. The radio was playing music from ten years ago. It is nice and sunny outside with a slight smell of diesel in the air.  It all made me smile because it reminded me of sunny days at home.

My mom would have a list of chores for us to do, once they were done we could do as we pleased.  During the day she would open all the windows and doors, turn some music on and dance around the house while doing her own chores. I remember seeing her smile while she moved back and forth, tapping her hand to the beat on her leg.  I remember thinking that she looked so happy in that moment. Like she was remembering a memory the music brought to shore.

Now that I am an adult I find myself wanting to do the same thing. And once we move into a place of our own I will be opening all the doors and windows and dancing to music as I do my chores. Brings a moment of peace in this world of chaos.

So as I was sitting in my front seat reveling in this memory I couldn’t help but close my eyes and enjoy this moment.  Because they are so fleeting. I just hope that when my children are older, nice sunny days will bring good memories to bay,

Now I realize that it sounds like my mother is no longer with us. But she is still here. And supplying not only myself with memories but now my children. She is still swaying to the music and enjoying her life, her children, and now her grandchildren.

A Brother And Sister Get Married And Later, Their Son Tweets It : The Picture Show : NPR

A Brother And Sister Get Married And Later, Their Son Tweets It : The Picture Show : NPR.

I read this story. Thinking it was a gross story of a real sibling story. Boy was I wrong.

I enjoyed reading this story and flipping through the pictures. It goes to show you that with a faith in GOD and a never ending love and adoration for ones spouse you can conquer a lot.

To become a better writer….

After reading a lot of blogs I have noticed that I am not as near a good writer as most. And I want to get better. Because I notice that when I write, I write like I am thinking… if that makes any sense. I would like to become better writer, not only for my own good but to get and keep followers. I love writing, don’t get me wrong. It is the journal I am willing to share with the world. So maybe the way I write is like my style. It defines who I am and only certain people can handle that? Hmm I think I just learned something new about myself. I guess the next step is to expand my writing style so I can do more then one and still be happy…. hmmm interesting.

Well crap, screw you

K, so without going into a lot of detail.  The last ten months or so I have been going to Miss Sudsy’s Laundromat every week to do clothes cause our washer was out. I come home the other day, after doing laundry, and find out my In-Laws bought a new washer. SWEET an extra 40 bucks in my pocket every week.

After joking about laundry and stuff my father in law pops off saying that if laundry is left in it he will put it back in the basket. I know him well enough that he meant to say put in the the trash. He also said that I was not allowed to do 12 loads a day. I could deal with the first part, I have and have always had an issue remembering to switch loads. But the last part was uncalled for.

In the beginning I tried making days for everyone to do laundry, all I got was attitude. I do laundry for four people, plus towels and bedding. How can I not do 12 loads without being stuck doing laundry everyday of the fucking week.

Of course to keep the peace I didn’t say anything. I have twice as many people in my family as he does. They do laundry maybe once a week, all because they only take a shower once a fucking week. SO EXCUSE me if I have more laundry.

I can not wait until we get out on our own, cause they are NEVER living with us nor staying for more then a night. So all I have to say to him is FUCK YOU, your nasty and old and RUDE.

Thank you, rant over.

Anyone else have a situation like this one? With a roommate?

Only 400 words… on the dot.

I am weird and I know it. I also know that some of the weirdness comes from my mother. Like OCD. Things have to be even or they feel off and it can turn my whole day around. SO if my husband decided to titty flick me then I have to endure it again cause if he doesn’t do it on the other side then I feel awkward. He enjoys torturing me like that. Another example is even numbers. Some people can deal with it not being even. Not me. Things have to be even. I am not crazy where everything falls apart if it is not even. It just super annoys me until it is fixed, if it ever gets fixed.

So I know I am weird and it all got worse about two years ago. Probably has something to do with a life style change. Which I am OK with. I just hope that this doesn’t turn out to over run my life, cause that would suck . Royally.

Hmm free writing, what else is there to free write about? Well the fact that i am frozen solid and can’t seem to think about anything could be something. I can sit here and babble until I feel like I am done. Doing the Daily Post Writing 101 course and this is one of the assignments. Normally I can think of something but I guess the point of free writing is to just think. Well not think, but think. So I am writing about what ever comes across my brain.

I know that I have been behind on my personal blog. Got things in place I would like to write about but for one reason or another I don’t get to them. Whether it is because I am super busy or my son is being super clingy. Or if he is getting into everything and I can’t seem to concentrate.  Always one thing or another, so I play catch up about once a week.

I know I could do this when he is sleeping, which is what I am doing, but sometimes other things need to get done. And I don’t even get everything on my to do list done in day anyway. Like after this I will be catching up on my Fit Journey posts. Where I talk about my journey on getting healthy again. Way behind on it.

Done.